Unpacking

“Yesterday ranked as one of the saddest days of my life.”

Theresa Chau, Journal entry, May 8, 2018

Miscarriage. You don’t fully understand its devastating effects unless you experience it. I had witnessed a friend and a family member go through it years before ours. I felt sorry for them, of course. I knew that it must be so sad for them to lose their child. But until you go through it, you truly have no clue the extent of pain it brings.

“She was so excited that she was literally hopping through the halls.”

Theresa Chau, Journal entry, May 8, 2018

On May 7th, 2018, my 5 year old daughter, Penelope, begged my husband and me to skip school (PreK) to go to our 13 week pregnancy appointment. She was literally in tears about going. So we obliged.

After the birth center midwife could not find our baby’s heartbeat via the Doppler fetal monitor, we drove to an imaging center for a sonogram. At this point, my husband was concerned. But in my typical naive fashion, I had no anticipation that anything would be wrong. This was our fourth child and all was well with the others.

“I thought it was odd that the sonographer was very nice, but not overly into explaining everything on the screen. And, she never did turn the volume on for the heartbeat.”

Theresa Chau, Journal entry, May 8, 2018

After asking the sonographer if she could tell us if everything was okay, she said she couldn’t. But offered for us to speak with the radiologist. At that point, I was praying hard and tearing up. But to our extreme despondency, the radiologist confirmed that there was no heartbeat present and our hopes were gone in an instant.

“At that point, Penelope knew that something wasn’t right. She asked me if I was okay because I was crying.”

Theresa Chau, Journal entry, May 8, 2018

It breaks our hearts that Penelope experienced the moment that we found out. She asked me several times on the way home: “Why did the baby die?” It brought us and still brings us such pain to see her having to process such sorrow after having been so excited about a new baby brother or sister.

A few months after our miscarriage, Penelope and I said we wanted to write a book in the hopes of helping others get through this experience that affects 10%-20% of known pregnancies. (Although some studies show it happens more often than that.)

Fast forward nearly six years and here we are, finally finishing up our book, Always With Us.

Implementing an openly expressive environment at home and creating this book has been a healing experience for me, my husband, and our children.

Our hearts will never fully heal. But we pray that this book helps those experiencing the effects of miscarriage to start to heal as well.

Please visit my Projects page for a full description of our book. If you feel that this book could help you and your family, please subscribe to follow our journey. And feel free to leave a comment!